SATIRE: Pirates prematurely named 2019’s “Most Dysfunctional Sports Team in Pittsburgh”

Ben Roethlisberger (left) talks with Antonio Brown in September 2016, prior to recent in-house struggles with the Pittsburgh Steelers. Photo courtesy of Keith Allison.

Let’s go Pens.

By: Oscar Rzodkiewicz, @ORzodkiewicz on Twitter

The Pittsburgh Steelers may not be participating in the NFL Playoffs this season, but the team dodged a damaging reputation blow as it slid into 2019.

The Association of Scouting Seriously Hindered Opportunities of League Expectations named the Pittsburgh Pirates 2019’s “Most Dysfunctional Sports Team” in the city just hours into the new year and prior to a flood of media reports on Steelers Pro Bowl WR Antonio Brown.

Brown was reportedly sidelined with a knee injury in the Steelers’ final regular season game, but it was later revealed that an altercation between Brown and QB Ben Roethlisberger in practice led head coach Mike Tomlin to bench Brown.

Despite a Steelers victory, Pittsburgh failed to qualify for the postseason, and Brown subsequently requested a trade from the team.

Pirates manager Clint Hurdle felt the committee should reconsider the award.

“We don’t always get it done on the diamond, but, you know, look at the Cubs or the Brewers,” Hurdle said. “It’s not our fault they’re really f***ing good at baseball. The Steelers did this to themselves, and it’d be nice to avoid the slander for once.”

The association responsible for the award claims to use recent success, locker room dysfunction and the number of times Mark Madden or Colin Dunlap have tweeted about the teams’ incidents in its algorithm for determining the squad most likely to fall apart in the new year.

President of the association Tike Momlin said there was no use waiting to see how the offseasons played out before distributing the hardware.

“Obviously the Pirates get this one,” Momlin said. “No need see what happens. I mean, the Steelers are six-time Super Bowl champions.”

Momlin said the committee also delivers awards for other cities, including Cleveland, where Cavaliers F Kevin Love said the honor, given to his team at 12:01 a.m., stings.

“To be honest, we’re accustomed to seeing the Browns take this one, but we understand,” Love said. “It’s been crippling Cleveland football’s psyche for years, and we’re nervous about that aspect, but I’m not exactly LeBron James, so what are you gonna do?”

Love said, “the Pittsburgh committee probably figured that people are just used to seeing the Pirates lose, so, why not?”

Momlin said the association would consider redacting the award if Pittsburgh Penguins stars Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin and Phil Kessel decided to retire immediately.

The Penguins have not released an official statement about Momlin’s claim, but owner Mario Lemieux was seen with Steelers owner Art Rooney II laughing hysterically.

The above article is a satire piece created solely and completely for comical purposes. The statements and quotes written in the article are both false and unreal, and neither should be attributed as fact.

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